Tag Archives: 2017

Post Trip Blues

2017 has come to an end. It was an amazing year for me. A year of full of big changes in my life. It will probably be the most transitional period I’ll ever experience. I quit a job I loathed. I packed up my apartment and put all of my belongings in storage at my mom’s house. I said goodbye to my friends and family and embarked on a three-month solo trip that somehow turned into an eight-month trip. I tried things I thought I would never try. I did things I thought I would never have the balls to do. As scary as some of it was, I loved every second of it! Sure, there were experiences that were not ideal and times that I wasn’t happy but that’s life. Sometimes you have to experience the bad to really appreciate the things that are truly amazing.

Before I left for my trip, I thought that I would write weekly blog posts about the things that I was doing and seeing but for some reason, I didn’t want to do that. I’m still struggling to do that. I journaled a lot but didn’t feel like I wanted to share my experiences with the world. I haven’t even talked about many of my experiences with those closest to me. Maybe it was all so personal for me that I want to keep much of it for myself. They were my experiences, mine and mine alone. I feel almost protective of them. It was a sacred time for me. Maybe I’m still processing how many of those experiences made me feel. How they changed me deep down. How they are still changing me today.

Now that I’m back in Texas, I’m struggling to find balance in my life. I feel almost lost in a place that is very familiar. I feel like I have reverted back to many of the tendencies I thought I had rid myself of while taking this journey. Maybe those tendencies were always there and it was just harder to recognize because I was often very far out of my comfort zone and exposed to different ways of life. Maybe I’ll never really be rid of them and the only thing that changes are my circumstances.

I feel more confused now than I ever have before. Many people who have traveled for long periods of time told me that it would be difficult once I came back. That I would struggle to adjust back to a “normal” life. Well, the struggle is real and far worse than I anticipated.

I want many conflicting things. I miss having my own place. A place that is only mine where I’m surrounded by the material things I love. A place that is my personal sanctuary. But I also want to live out of a backpack with only the necessities and sleep in a different place each night. I want stability and routine but I also want a life where every day is different and unpredictable. I want a companion but also don’t want to be tied down to one person. I want responsibilities but I also want absolute freedom. I guess the bottom-line is that I have no idea what I really want.

The one thing I know for certain is that I miss traveling. I miss waking up in the morning and just wandering around some unknown place. Not having any idea what I will see, who I will meet and what I will do. Most days, I would just walk for miles and miles and it brought me a sense of peace. Calm tranquility. I keep telling myself that I can have the same experience here, at home in Austin but it just doesn’t feel the same.

So, I’m sitting here at the library, looking out the window, wondering what will come next. I thought this trip would help me decide what I wanted in life and who I really wanted to be. Or maybe it has and I’m just too much in my head to realize it. For now, each day will continue to present the same question. Now what?

I would love to hear from my fellow wanderers out there. How do you deal with these conflicting feelings? How did you decide if the nomadic lifestyle was for you? Please comment below!

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Year In Review – 2016

The last several years of my life have not been particularly happy ones. I was unhappy in my job and my personal relationship. I vowed that I would change that. I ended the relationship and eventually gave myself a deadline to change my situation. In early February 2016, I went into a sensory deprivation tank with thoughts of a solo vacation to escape the job I hated, at least for a little while. When I left there, I had already decided to quit that job and travel alone for an extended period of time. Over the next several weeks, I researched and ultimately decided on three months in Ecuador. I would spend this time detoxing from an office environment that felt toxic and focusing on improving myself and ubelongthe lives of those around me. I found a beautiful yoga ashram outside of Quito where I will live for a month and get my teaching certification. During my time at Casa Kiliku, I will also eat an organic vegetarian diet (which will be an enormous challenge for a veggie hater like me), practice daily meditation and get back into things that once brought me joy like reading, writing and photography. Then I found a great volunteer organization called Ubelong. Through them, I will spend three weeks getting back to my science roots while volunteering in the Galapagos. Having the opportunity to participate in conservation efforts in such an incredible place is a dream come true for me! The rest of my time in Ecuador will be spent exploring the amazingly diverse country.

I was in the early planning stages when I met a man. He seemed to be the man of my dreams. Everything I had ever wanted in a partner. He was tall and handsome. He was loving and attentive. He was a science minded archaeologist, my very own Indiana Jones. He was perfect. I told him on our first date that I was planning this three month trip. He was very supportive. Giving me advice and telling stories from his own archaeological exploits in South America. He even gave me some gear that he thought I would need. Everything was perfect…too perfect. The little voice in the back of my mind kept telling me to brace myself. It was all too right. Something had to be wrong. After about five me-jon-cavernsmonths of blissful happiness, reality set in. He was not perfect, because nothing and no one ever is. He was not the man of my dreams. He was a liar. To what extent, I’ll never know but I do know I could never trust someone who lies about insignificant things. It is only a precursor for the bigger lies to come. There were many red flags. I overlooked them of course, as we all do when things seem to be going great. In retrospect, the warning signs were everywhere but I turned my blinders on for a while. In the end, he showed his true cowardly spinelessness and I couldn’t be blind to it. I have no respect for fake people. People who feel the need to put on airs because they know deep down they aren’t good enough.

The ending of that relationship was devastating but luckily, I had not altered any of my plans. I still had the adventure of a lifetime to look forward to. I continued to plan and book accommodations, trying to pay down as much as possible while I was still employed. During this time, the Presidential election was looming over our heads. How had our country come to this? The con man and the most despised women in the West. Beloved celebrities began to die off left and right. It was also as if they sensed the end of creative freedom on the horizon and couldn’t bear to see it. Then it happened. It actually happened. The thing we all thought would never really happen. It’s hard to see the silver lining in situations like this. You can only hope that this is rock bottom and the only place to go from here is up. 2016 has been a tumultuous year, not just for me personally but for the entire world. This year has been one of huge transitions with far reaching consequences that we can’t possibly understand.

2016 will forever be remembered as the year the world changed, probably not for the better. I fear that future generations will look back and view this time much like we look back on the rise of Nazi Germany, and wonder how the world allowed such atrocities to occur right before our eyes. Today, we are actors in the same tragedy. To be better as a species, we have to be better individually. We have to stand up and demand better treatment while also taking responsibility for our own lives and happiness. That is what 2016 has really been about for me. I decided that I could not blame my unhappiness on things that I had the power to change. I am in charge of my own happiness and I will do the things that make me happy. As I prepare to embark on my journey, I wonder what kind of home I’ll return to. I’m anxious to see what 2017 has in store but I’m also hopeful that the goodness in people will overcome the fear and insecurities of others. So, let’s celebrate the end of 2016, it could not come soon enough! Here’s to a 2017 filled with happiness, love and adventures!