2017 has come to an end. It was an amazing year for me. A year of full of big changes in my life. It will probably be the most transitional period I’ll ever experience. I quit a job I loathed. I packed up my apartment and put all of my belongings in storage at my mom’s house. I said goodbye to my friends and family and embarked on a three-month solo trip that somehow turned into an eight-month trip. I tried things I thought I would never try. I did things I thought I would never have the balls to do. As scary as some of it was, I loved every second of it! Sure, there were experiences that were not ideal and times that I wasn’t happy but that’s life. Sometimes you have to experience the bad to really appreciate the things that are truly amazing.
Before I left for my trip, I thought that I would write weekly blog posts about the things that I was doing and seeing but for some reason, I didn’t want to do that. I’m still struggling to do that. I journaled a lot but didn’t feel like I wanted to share my experiences with the world. I haven’t even talked about many of my experiences with those closest to me. Maybe it was all so personal for me that I want to keep much of it for myself. They were my experiences, mine and mine alone. I feel almost protective of them. It was a sacred time for me. Maybe I’m still processing how many of those experiences made me feel. How they changed me deep down. How they are still changing me today.
Now that I’m back in Texas, I’m struggling to find balance in my life. I feel almost lost in a place that is very familiar. I feel like I have reverted back to many of the tendencies I thought I had rid myself of while taking this journey. Maybe those tendencies were always there and it was just harder to recognize because I was often very far out of my comfort zone and exposed to different ways of life. Maybe I’ll never really be rid of them and the only thing that changes are my circumstances.
I feel more confused now than I ever have before. Many people who have traveled for long periods of time told me that it would be difficult once I came back. That I would struggle to adjust back to a “normal” life. Well, the struggle is real and far worse than I anticipated.
I want many conflicting things. I miss having my own place. A place that is only mine where I’m surrounded by the material things I love. A place that is my personal sanctuary. But I also want to live out of a backpack with only the necessities and sleep in a different place each night. I want stability and routine but I also want a life where every day is different and unpredictable. I want a companion but also don’t want to be tied down to one person. I want responsibilities but I also want absolute freedom. I guess the bottom-line is that I have no idea what I really want.
The one thing I know for certain is that I miss traveling. I miss waking up in the morning and just wandering around some unknown place. Not having any idea what I will see, who I will meet and what I will do. Most days, I would just walk for miles and miles and it brought me a sense of peace. Calm tranquility. I keep telling myself that I can have the same experience here, at home in Austin but it just doesn’t feel the same.
So, I’m sitting here at the library, looking out the window, wondering what will come next. I thought this trip would help me decide what I wanted in life and who I really wanted to be. Or maybe it has and I’m just too much in my head to realize it. For now, each day will continue to present the same question. Now what?
I would love to hear from my fellow wanderers out there. How do you deal with these conflicting feelings? How did you decide if the nomadic lifestyle was for you? Please comment below!